What I am, and what I am not

Christmas eve is finally over but with its end didn't come the relief I had hoped for. Instead I keep feeling like crap >_< At first it looked like it might turn out to be a good night after all, but then something happened and yeah, nothing really turned out like I had hoped it would. I ate dinner and opened my presents but found no joy in that. Instead of eating dessert I escaped to my room and spent the rest of the evening in solitude, reading and watching a movie. It seems I am no longer able to appreciate this holiday...

Today we finally booked the trip to Venezuela but to be quite honest I no longer feel like going anywhere, a shame seeing how much money it has already cost me. I guess I don't look forward to anything right now. I wish it was possible for me to go to sleep and not wake up until this summer. I have a feeling this semester will be hell and I'd rather shoot myself than to experience that again.

I had really hoped to fly some now that I am home but naturally that didn't work out either. Those fucking retarded people at the maintenance company where the plane is right now decided to close up for the holidays and gave us basically no time to pick it up. GAH! But I'm not surprised, why would anything ever go my way? I just wanna cry...

Thank god I didn't have a chance to speak to anyone tonight for it would most likely not have been a pleasant conversation. My negativity isn't confined to trivial matters but rather involves everything currently in my life. I wish I could somehow make it go away but has proven to be a lot harder than I originally anticipated. And everything keeps changing for the worse. Those things that I used to be very enthusiastic about no longer feel worth while. I push away those I love for I wish not to hurt them, but I guess that is inevitable.

I hate my life right now.

Feelings of relief

FINALLY! The exam is done and I can relax for the first time in quite a while. Studying what feels almost like 24/7 takes its toll *yaaaaawns* I was nervous that I would freak out when I saw the test but it wasn't as intimidating as I had expected it to be. I guess that's always how it is - you picture the worst case scenario in your head but once you get there you realise that it wasn't nearly as impossible as you'd imagined. The downside is that I always get so stressed out that I almost give up... that certainly wouldn't make it any better :P

Apparently we'll be given the results at the end of next week. That should keep our teachers busy for a while. REVENGE! xD
Maybe getting them after christmas would've been better for the sake of everyone around me. Right now I feel like I don't care how well I did as long as I reached the magical 50% limit. Anything short of that and I'll hang myself from the christmas tree, lol. I have a feeling that when that day comes I wont feel that 50% is enough. It's always about being best... *sighs*

I wish I had a computer of my own. Some of my friends play games when they don't have anything better to do but I can only watch which is boring and rather lame. Maybe I'll buy one if I get a full pay from the Navy. I'm not really supposed to get any money from them since I'm studying but so far no one has contacted me and I sure as hell wont call them up.

More news. My brother just bought a car and dad managed to destroy (hopefully just partially) his computer. Fun times. Thus I'll see the whole family when I go home tomorrow which should be nice =) At least I don't have to sit alone in my room like last time. (or like 99% of my free time) But I like privacy so you don't need to feel sorry for me ^^

I had to return The Da Vinci Code today even though I hadn't finished reading it, stupid crap >_< At least I found another book that I can keep until after the christmas break so that's good!

Hmm, I need to get up early tomorrow and pack so I should probably hit the hay.

*insert appropriate goodbye phrase here*

Thoughts about thoughts

Today I decided to make a list of what needs to be read before the exam, something I should've done a long time ago. Now it suddenly doesn't feel as overwhelming as it did yesterday. Also I entered deeply into EU's political organisation. The funny thing is that the more you read the less you actually understand how things work. Intrigues and fights over power happens on a daily basis. Insane.

After reading me and my brother ate at a very tiny and cosy thai restaurant on Södermalm and the food was as yummy now as it was last time I was there ^^ We had booked tickets to the movie Beowulf which started at 8.45 so after finishing the meal we rushed off to the subway but still managed to get there five minutes too late. Thank you lord for trailers! (you wont hear me say that again anytime soon)

The movie itself wasn't as good as I had thought but still rather entertaining. I didn't really like how it was 100% animated though. I mean, come on guys, you can't beat Finding Nemo so you might as well stop trying xP

Tomorrow (today) is my brother's last day in town. I really hope he's enjoyed his stay even though I haven't been the best host, seeing how I've had my nose buried in books most of the time ;_; Although I did warn him about my impending exam.

A pleasant surprise was that my neighbour decided to move out so now I have the shower and bathroom all to myself, yay! Not that I disliked him or anything but now I don't even have to bring a towel when I shower xD One needs to focus on the positive things!

Ugh, I haven't exercised for days now and feel rather bad about it >_< I should probably go for a run or to the gym after my brother has left tomorrow. I just wish I had an mp3 player, it would make running a more attractive form or exercise.

That's all folks. Tune in tomorrow for another episode of "Oliver's very normal life".

Over and out!

Stressful times

Shit shit shit. The exam in security politics will take place this thursday and I'm really freaked. I should do nothing but study but for some reason I lack the motivation needed. I have nightmares about the big pile of books that needs to be read and not to mention understood.
Our teacher gave us a sample of typical questions that will be used in the exam but if the point was to rid us of some stress then he failed miserably >_<

Ugh, I just want to pass this exam so I can go home for christmas with a clear conscience.

Speaking of christmas, I still have no idea where, when or even IF I should go somewhere ;_; I still haven't talked to my teacher about week 3 so I have no idea if it'll be possible to travel then or if I have to stay at home and do those stupid assignments. If so I'll KILL HIM! I wonder what would happen if I just ignored it :shady: ARGH! All this uncertainty is driving me nuts.

My brother is here this weekend which means that my tiiiiny room feels like an animal cage. It's nice to have some company though even if it means that I don't study as much as I should. Apparently it's only his second time in Stockholm which means that I have a resposibility to show him all the cool places to hang. Today we ate enchilada at Kungshallen and then I taught him the secret art of taking the subway. Might catch a movie tomorrow. So all in all it should be a good weekend.

Btw, did you know that the world record for staying awake the longest is 447 hours (around 18 days) and was set by a woman competing in a rocking chair contest xP

Okies, that's all I have for tonight. Sleep tight folks.

Tears

...they cannot be controlled ;_;

My wish list

I wish I was...

...handsome, smart, humourous, motivated, confident, happy, looked up to, taller, diligent, less conservative, tired (considering the late hour), appreciated, mature, spontaneous, benevolent, artistic, quick-thinking, romantic, content, thrustworthy, optimistic... Simply put, I wish I was someone else ;_;

Tonight is not a good night as Im sure you can tell. I don't really know where this low came from which makes it even more frustrating. I try to fight it but it wont let go and after a while I just don't have the strenght to keep trying. Even the slightest disappointment can set off an avalanche in my head which doesn't stop until everything is in ruins >_<

I just wish I could somehow disappear from this godforsaken place, become invisible, go up in smoke or maybe sink through the floor... Although that probably wouldn't be a good idea since my room isn't located at ground level. Crappers! Ah well, I guess the carpet will have to do for now...

Today when I left the restaurant I saw this amazing red sky and decided to run and get my camera and try to get some nice shots. Afterwards I have to admit that it probably wasn't the sun I saw but a comet passing earth at close proximity, seeing how fast it disappeard =( So there I was, cold and alone with the camera in my hand but nothing to take pictures of. Not good ones anyway. If I hadn't been as stubborn as a mule I probably would've realised that there was no point to continue after this... But naturally I did and the results were lame. Wow, Im so surprised. Not.

- - - - - - -

Today is a very special day and I really should try to be atleast somewhat positive. HOW DOES ONE DO THAT? ;_;

Gah, 6 hours until I have to get up which means that today will be as sucky as today, if not worse. And on top of that I have to study to my leadership exam.

Ah whatever!

Caught in a tornado

Today's been a very busy day. I was happy to learn that our class didn't start at 08.10 as usual but 9 which gave me some extra sleep, sometime I was in dire need of. Unfortunately I still had to get up pretty early since they stop serving breakfast at 8 >_<
Without sounding all too negative I have to say that these so called lectures that we attend every day is pretty much worthless. The only thing I appreciated was the short briefing on how our future might be affected by the defection of out defence minister (that coward!).

After dinner I went to a choir practice for the first time in my life and it rocked! Well, not exactly rocked :shady: But we had a lot of fun. And the cantor was awesome. So I'll probably keep going every monday as long as my schedule allows it.

Im slightly nervous about our examination that will be handed out on thursday and is due on wednesday next week. I have absolutely no idea what it will be about and that kinda scares me. But Im fastly determined to do as much of the work as possible on thursday and friday since Im going to Oslo on saturday to spend the weekend+ with a very wonderful person! I still feel like I really need to get away from this place as much as can. Hopefully that will change in time but right now Im not sure what I'd do if I didn't have that to look forward to. And despite all of the turbulence around that weekend Im sure it'll work out for the best. I'll do my very best to make sure that's the case!

Oh mother crap, it's late ;_; Not much sleep today either it seems. AAAAARGH!

Sleep well my fellow nightowls.

*floats away on heart-shaped clouds*

The road im on

It seems like I haven't been very active on here lately. For some reason that always happens when I get a new blog, I write in it a couple of times and the forget all about it =/ Me in a nutshell. But whatever, it's not like anyone ever reads this anyway.

My life has gone through a rather big change this past few weeks. First I spent some sort of introduction week at the flightschool in Linköping which was awesome. I seriously can't wait to start there in a year! xD What struck me as out of the ordinary, atleast when talking about the swedish military, was the mentality of the teachers and the extremely pedagogical build-up of the training there.
I even got a back-seat ride in one of their sk-60's (the plane I'll start flying when I get there) and it was SOOO COOL! And oh so different from the Cessna planes Im used to fly. You could see so much more since the canopy has the shape of a bubble. Even got to feel some g-forces, 4.5 to be more exact. A real motivation boost!

After all of this it was a huge changeover for the worse to start at Karlberg in Stockholm the following week. The courses couldn't be less interesting and I feel like I don't have that much in common with a lot of people here ;_; I need to see stuff from the bright side for a change instead of only thinking about the downsides. Because there ARE a few things on the positive-list. First of all this place offers an incredible amount of pastime activities like kayaking, shooting, a top-class gym, some very nice running tracks, climbing, riding (although that's not entirely certain yet), fencing (trying that for the first time later today xD), choir practice (same with that ;) and I was even informed that there's a music room somewhere on the premisis.

So yes, HAPPY THOUGHTS OLIVER!!!

But what really keeps me going is the weekends. Im in love with a totally wonderful and amazing person and if it wasn't for her Im not sure I would come out of these first couple of weeks with my sanity still there. Whenever I feel like I wanna give up I just think of her and that provides me with the motivation I need to carry on.
This being said, it still ain't just pink skies and bumblebees for even as the thought of her is enough to make me want to dance naked on the rooftops I still miss her almost constantly. And missing someone that much, as Ive come to understand, really consumes a LOT of energy. But I guess it would be weird and utterly unnatural if I didn't. It's a two-edged sword, that stuff.

Uh oh, it's getting really late and I have school tomorrow >_<>

I'll try to update this blog a bit more often from now on. Until then, stay safe, it's a dangerous world we live in!

Peace to y'all! (and love to a special someone <3)
Over and out!

Me as my own hostage

Today's been one of those days you'd prefer to just erase from your memory. One bad thing took over from another. I wish I knew why I get like this. There has to be some sort of trigger. Maybe it's the friggin loneliness. It's possible. Everything seems possible at this stage. Im gonna have to try and deal with it the best I can, for it left unbridled Im afraid it'll drag me down and take everyone I care for along with me.

Forgive me my unthoughtful words. I do wish I could take them back ;_; I don't wanna fill your head with doubt. Not about this. Not about us. You have no idea how important this is to me.

Ahwell.

Probably going flying tomorrow again, weehoo ^^ Although this time it will be with someone Ive never met before. I really hope he's nice. I mean, it's not like I can just walk away if he's not :shady: (although I guess I could bring a parachute O_o) I can't see why he wouldn't be though.
Or WAIT! What if he hijacks the plane and flies it to Bali? ;_; On the other hand, that might not be such a bad thing. Maybe I should hijack the plane... that way I could cross the Atlantic and bring her home, that would give us like another day or so together. Totally worth it! xD

Im going to Bodö in just a few days, it'll be epic, I can feel it! (not in my fingers, no) I just gotta find somewhere to sleep in Arvidsjaur first. I guess I could walk around all night and sleep on the bus, but given the option I'd rather sleep in a nice, warm bed. I was never very good at sleeping on buses.
It kinda sucks that hannes is going away for the week though. I mean, talk about lousy timing. I don't even know if I'll still be there when he gets back. Ive realised Im pretty clueless when it comes to this trip in general. But right now I couldn't care less.

On pins and needles

Im not sure this is the best of ideas. But I need an outlet for all the things that are buzzing around and causing havoc in my head. One second everything is fine, the sun is shining and I find myself looking into the scrying ball and seeing a happy future, but then, in the blink of an eye, something in me collapses and everything is turned on its side.

It's like jumping off a cliff for the rush and excitement off it only to halfway down realise the consequences of this action. Im totally more than half way >_<

Things which at first seemed fairly surmountable have proven not to be as simple as I first reckoned. I need to see her in order for this to work, that much is clear. There's a little catch though. She lives in Oslo and I'll be in Stockholm this year. Easy you say? Well, I thought so at first, but it turns out that the trains don't leave that frequently. Long day + no late trains = not good! But that's not all. Im not even sure they'll give me tickets abroad. ARGH!

What a terribly depressing rant. I'll try to stop. Need to focus on the positive things. Fun times ahead, yes yes.

Did some flying today with a friend of mine, we had a great time. Tomorrow I'll take mum flying, might be fun. We wont leave until 3pm so there's plenty of time to work on my tan... What am I saying, I never work on my tan! O_O I do other stuff and allow the tan come to me instead. It's such a slow process (compared to how past it fades anyway), can't really be bothered to just lie and wait for it to happen.

Some people say you can't eat the cookie and still have it for later. Well, that might be true, but if you eat it very violently there will without a doubt be some crumbs left, and those you don't have to eat right away. Unless you're sitting outside, then birds might eat them if left unattended. Mischievous little birds! (yes, very random indeed)

Hmm. Still should get some sleep though, Im dead tired. But it's SOOO FRIGGIN WARM! It was kinda stupid to leave the computer on last night with both the door and window closed. I swear I saw a finnish dude with a birch twig disappear under the bed when I woke up...

*Sighs*

I want this week to pass faster ;_; Stupid crappy week.

High as a kite by ten

So, this is my very first post in my very first proper blog. Gee, Im so excited I can barely keep myself from falling off this chair... NO, I never exaggerate, what are you on about? O_o

Since nothing particularely interesting happened today I thought I'd start by telling you about what I did last last thursday, namely some flying! The initial plan was that I and another pilot I don't know except by name were supposed to take our beloved Cessna to Umeå airport for a scheduled maintenance check. Now these planes, however small they might seem, have a capacity for carrying 4 people so an idea sprung to mind. Why not bring someone I know? That someone happened to be my second cousin and neighbor. When the other pilot heard of this he decided not to come at all. Weird, but hey, that meant we'd both get to sit up front, I wasn't going to complain xD

So said and done, at 5 am we headed off for the small airport about an hour's drive from home. At this point we were both insanely tired but expectant as to what the day might bring. From the time we got there until take-off, which was about an hour and a half, we had some breakfast, pushed the plane out from the hangar (takes a while), did a visual inspection of the fuselage, refueled and finally completed all the preflight checklists. Now all that remained was to push the throttle forward and take to the skies. And so we did!

After little over an hour of soaring about in a sky coloured orange by the morning sun the wheels touched down in Umeå. As by a miracle we managed to get on the bus (which apparently wasn't supposed to pick up passengers at the bus stop since that particular route had been cancelled for the summer O_o). My very first thought when we stepped of the bus was that this town had been subjected to a ruthless terrorist attack and was now completely deserted. The streets were empty and almost nothing seemed to be open. Luckily, this was not the case. We spent the first few hours walking around trying to familiarize ourselves with the layout of the city and also stopped for a quick cup of coffee (coke in my case). I also bought the most expensive chocolate muffin ever. Around eleven the stores finally opened. After that we did some serious shoe shopping, found the music store and tried some different guitars, ate lunch, walked, walked some more and... feet-death followed =/

What we felt when at 4 in the afternoon some guy finally called from the airport to tell us that the airplane was ready can only be described as relief. But as we tried to make our way back it started raining. Not good! Rain means clouds, not seldom low and intimidating ones, which in turn means no flying >_< Uh oh... we were now looking at the prospect of being forced to spend the night somewhere else entirely than what we had planned (our own beds). After some thorough and time-consuming weather research we decided to give it a try. The gods must have been smiling at us, or possibly laughing so hard that they forgot to throw those thunderstorms they'd been working on for so long at us, seeing there were almost no clouds at all between us and home. Only a couple of small, fluffy and really cute looking cumulus clouds stopped by to say hello and we, who didn't want to disappoint them of course, flew around them for a while pretending we were fighter pilots on a top secret mission. Lots of fun let me tell you!

So yeah, that was the story about when I saved the world from maneating giants. Oh, sorry, did I wake you up? I thought you were paying attention. Ahwell, no matter. I hope reading this hasn't killed you or left you in a state of mental breakdown. If that happens to be the case Im deeply sorry.

That's if for now. Oh, I nearly forgot. There's someone (way) out there I miss so incredibly much that it's almost driving me crazy. So, now that's said and equilibrium has once again been restored in the galaxy. Phew. Close call.

Go in peace! V